Donna Noble's Travelling With the Doctor Rulebook
by LuckyBlackCat
Summary: Donna left behind a rulebook for future companions of of the Doctor.One short story for each rule to explain why it is a rule. Often very silly, doesn't reflect current writing ability, but it was all in good fun.
1. Intro Note From Donna

**A\N Those of you who read my last fic, "Do I Look Like a Penguin, Doctor?" may have laughed at Donna briefly mentioning her "Travelling With the Doctor Rulebook". Or not, because it wasn't really that funny. But, it gave me an idea- and here is Donna's rulebook. I promise it's not as boring as it sounds. It also cheered me up, because even though she's gone, I like to think she left something of her behind. Below is a brief intro written as Donna. Enjoy and I hope this really is a good idea... Proper story in next chapters! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who, and if you really must know, I wrote this. Not Donna. But let me pretend cos it makes me happy, k?**

Dear Future Friends of the Doctor,

My name's Donna Noble and right now I'm travelling with the Doctor. I wrote this while I was living in the TARDIS- and if you're reading this then you must be too! I know the Doctor's had a lot of friends travelling with him, and at some point I'll probably leave. I would never choose that, but stuff happens. Stuff no-one, not even the Doctor, can control. I wrote these down hoping that future companions of the Doctor will read them- I found all this out the hard way, and I want to make sure you don't make the same mistakes! I remember thinking there should be a rulebook- and here it is. There's a story behind each rule, and I hope whoever reads this will laugh at them and recognise that this will be the greatest time of their life. Enjoy it while you can!

Love Donna Noble, Human, From Earth 2008


	2. Rule 1

**A\N Random idea- think it turned out O.K. What do you think? Please review and tell me! Yeah, the ending's a bit cheesy but I couldn't think of how else to end it.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Doctor Who**

_Rule 1: If he says run, run. It will probably be for your life._

"Come on, Donna! Run!"

I growled. I was so _sick_ of running! Don't get me wrong, normally I love the running-around-to-save-the-world thing, but today....

Today we had run too much.

It all started when the Doctor suggested doing a charity run on Zvax (that's what it sounded like, don't have a clue how you spell it). The idea was to raise some money but mainly to have some fun- there were supposed to be amazing sights on Zvax. Like, a river made of liquid metal and purple trees and five suns. That sounded alright to me- we just needed to find some sponsors.

Ah. That was a problem.

"Who's going to sponsor us, Doctor?"

"Um...good point. Well made. Let me think. I know! I'll sponsor you! And you can sponsor me! And then we'll do our run!"

"Hang on a minute. You haven't said what we're raising money for!"

"It's for...re-homing Boozles. Or was it Croozles? It might even have been the elusive Moozles. Those Zvaxians really need to learn that a Boozle is not just for Christmas! Do they even have Christmas on Zvax? Let's find out!"

The Doctor hums happily as he fiddles with various bits of TARDIS.

"Alright. What's a Boozle?"

"Well it's like a dog, kind of. Except it's a very weird looking dog. It has no ears and five legs and three tails. So, actually not really like a dog at all!"

I gave up at this point. After all, Zvax with its purple trees and metal oceans was better than grey, rainy London, England, U.K, Europe, Earth, the Solar System.

All was going well for a change, as the TARDIS decided it would land in the right place and time. This alarmed me at first and I was sure something was wrong, but the Doctor just laughed at me and said he was sorry I didn't trust him to steer the TARDIS properly! Well, excuse me, but after it landed in Manchester 1999 instead of London 2008, I think I have every reason to doubt it.

There was a good variety of alien life forms about, including some stray Boozles who seemed to be following people with food. There were aliens of every colour, size and shape. The Doctor stopped to chat with some Ballativians (blue, tall, three legs and high pitched voices) and a lone Shorlian (lemon yellow, about waist height, no legs, instead hovers a few millimetres of the ground). Mostly they were saying things like "Hello", "Good luck" "Sorry you have a disadvantage by only having two legs". You get the picture.

We took our places on the starting line, situated on a beach with beautiful silver sand and the metallic ocean gleaming behind us. The Doctor was mad with excitement jumping up and down and repeatedly saying "Isn't this brilliant, Donna? Isn't this absolutely amazing?" I nodded mutely, in awe of the sand and the heat blasting from the five suns. Ahead of us was a bright purple forest, and above us was a clear red sky.

Before I could register anything else, the race started. The Doctor bounded along, grinning.

"Let's show them two legs aren't that bad after all, Donna!" he grinned. "Allons-y!"

I smiled. "Hey, look!" I gasped.

We'd just passed a group of horse like creatures. Except they were green!

"I love this planet!" I yelled. "I'd move here if I could afford it and speak the right language and go home to visit my granddad!"

It was fun, at first, it really was. Thanks to the Doctor, I'm quite good at running. We certainly do enough of it, anyway. And besides, with the red sky above us and the sparkling silver river, everything seemed bright and happy and cheerful. But then we went into the forest and the sky disappeared and the river snaked away and everything went _dark_. You wouldn't think things could get dark in a purple forest, but actually they can. I was getting tired too, so I slowed down a little. The Doctor slowed down too. He wasn't smiling anymore. He had that alert, on guard look.

"What's the matter?" I panted.

He frowned. "Don't know. I just feel...feel like we're being watched."

I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, by the other runners. Could you slow down? I'm about to collapse here!"

His eyes suddenly widened. He was staring at something behind me. I turned round.

It was a huge great beast. It was the same purple as the trees. It looked sort of furry. But what my eyes were drawn to were the huge, sharp teeth inside its massive mouth.

"Come on, Donna! Run!"

Running, we were always running. I growled. I was tired. But I knew I had to run, because if not even the Doctor would try reasoning with the thing, I knew nobody else would stand a chance. Running, running, running.

"I can't," I panted. "Doctor, I'm _done_."

I could hear the thing pounding along behind me, anticipating its meal. The Doctor slapped himself in the forehead, while dragging me into some bushes. Yeah, they were purple too.

"Think, think, think! Got it! Donna, I need you to stay very quiet. You know what quiet means?"

I nodded, despite the fact he'd semi-insulted me by saying I talked too much. Me! What about him? Without another second of hesitation, the Doctor hurled himself in front of the creature.

"Come and get me! Come and get me!"

I suppressed a shriek, as the Doctor dodged a great swipe of what vaguely resembled paws.

"Ha! You missed! Over here, I'm over here!"

The Doctor was dancing about, always too quick for the creature. But he was getting closer and closer to what looked like a ditch. I wanted to yell out a warning, but he'd said to be quiet- and surely the Doctor had realised how close he was to plunging down it? I watched tensely, wondering whether the Doctor had finally lost it. He was right on the edge now...the creature lunged...and yelped as it fell into the ditch with a splash. Shiny silver droplets landed on the Doctor- he'd charged out of the way just in time. He jogged back over to me, with a satisfied smile.

"Oh, you are an amazing _idiot_!" I shrieked, hugging him.

"We've got to keep running, Donna," he said.

"Will you ever stop?"

"Oh no. I'm the Doctor. Running is what I do! It's what I'm good at! Well, I suppose I'm quite good at saving the universe too!"


	3. Rule 2

**A\N O.K, this story is a bit weird and rambly. Sorry. I was fighting for ideas and this was the best I could come up with. Hopefully, I'll have a few more ideas for the next chapter. Review please, even though, yeah, not my best.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own anything, not even this laptop.**

_Rule 2: TARDIS has an evil sense of humour. This means it will purposely get dates wrong and toss you around for its own amusement._

When I first found myself on the TARDIS on my wedding day, I was outraged. Then the Doctor says the stupid thing will take me back home, back to the church. Yeah, it took me back to Earth alright, but certainly not the church.

Don't get me wrong, I do love the TARDIS. The TARDIS has saved me. It just...I don't know. Gets stuff wrong. Refuses to travel in a straight line. Shakes us like we're salt and it's the salt pot. Sometimes it's fun. Other times I just think why? Why does the most amazing spaceship of all of time (according to the Doctor, and actually I believe him on this one) _shake_ so much?

Then the Doctor tells me. He tells me "The TARDIS is alive. Didn't I ever tell you that, Donna Noble? That's why she hums. She's pleased to see us. She doesn't like being lonely!"

And suddenly it all made sense! If the TARDIS is alive, that means it can think. It can plan. It can get bored. And what do bored people do? They make their own entertainment. And so do spaceships that are alive. I should write a thesis on it. I'm on fire here!

When it throws us around, we fall over. The TARDIS isn't just humming and whirring, it's _laughing_ at us! Laughing! And we could get hurt and everything. Once a chunk of metal fell on my foot! It's a health hazard! The dates thing- I think it does that to make the Doctor look stupid. Or to purposely get the Doctor in trouble. Either way, the joke's on the Doctor!

Like the time we were supposed to go to London to see _Grease_. Instead we ended up in 1666. It went something like this.

"Doctor, you know what I really, _really_ wanted to see?"

"No. What?" he says, seeming a little bit suspicious.

"_Grease_. The first ever showing in the U.K. Could we do that?"

"You think that there might be aliens at the theatre watching _Grease_?"

"No! I want to go for fun. You know what _fun_ is, right?"

"If we go and see _Grease_, there will definitely be aliens at the theatre watching _Grease_. Look what happened when I took you ice skating! That was supposed to be fun, too!"

"Fine. We can watch Grease AND chat with the aliens. Maybe aliens happen to _like_ Grease!"

I got my way in the end. It was because of my amazing powers of persuasion. Oh, alright then, it was because I wouldn't shut up about it. And I have learnt how to annoy the Doctor into doing stuff. It's a skill.

Of course, the last laugh was on me when I stepped out of the TARDIS into 1666. Everything was made of wood. Everything! No metal, no glass, no concrete. Unfortunately the Doctor got a splinter. And told me so every 5 minutes.

"Come on, Donna. Look at the bright side! At least we're in London!"

"Are you sure?" I asked, simmering.

"Yep. Absolutely, positively, 98% sure. Did I mention I've already got a splinter? Must be record time. Never got a splinter that quickly before!"

We were walking along the street together, getting puzzled looks from people. Probably because they've never seen a woman in jeans and a T-shirt before, scowling at a skinny bloke in a suit talking at a million miles an hour.

"Excuse me! Could you tell me what year it is?" The Doctor yelled at a startled looking man.

"It's 1666, sir. Had you forgotten?" he said, quite sarcastically.

"1666. Something happened in 1666. It was...the year of the Great Fire of London."

"You mean the one Samuel Pepys wrote about?"

"Yep. Oh well. Good job we didn't arrive in the middle of that."

"The TARDIS is made of wood, too! Does it burn?"

"Naah. It's got defences," he said proudly.

Don't ask me why he's proud of a spaceship that, yeah has its own defences, but has an evil sense of humour. The year of the Great Fire of London? Now, it could be any day during that year, but my instincts are telling me that it's today. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I _know_ the TARDIS.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHH!"

Screaming. And where there's screaming there's the Doctor. And me.

We race through the streets, adrenaline pumping. Round the next corner and the next. And there's a crowd of people, all watching a wide eyed woman.

"I seen a big, huge bird made of fire! Real fire, I swear it! All flashin' an' burnin' and I could smell the smoke!"

"The poor woman has gone quite mad," stated an elderly gentleman, smoking a foul smelling cigar.

"Oh. Oh," the Doctor stuttered.

"What? What was it?"

"Do you know what a phoenix is?"

"Not really. What's a phoenix?"

"Well, it's said to be a bird made of fire. And when it dies, it burns and a new, young phoenix rises from the ashes. Except a phoenix is just a myth. The real thing is called an Ignitop. Ig-nigh-top. Nice word, that. Creature itself- not so nice. Because when it gets old and dies, it doesn't just harmlessly set itself alight. Oh no, it doesn't want to die, is scared of dying. Fear becomes frustration and frustration becomes flames, so many flames."

"The Great Fire of London..."

"There's nothing we can do, Donna. We can't change history."

"Doctor! I don't care about the laws of the Time Lord or whatever! We should at least warn them!"

"Let's see if we can find the Ignitop. It might not be planning to die, it might just be visiting. You never know!"

He smiles brightly, determined to hope for the best. He hasn't asked anyone about the date. Deep down he knows that an Ignitop in 1666 London is no coincidence.

"How are we going to find it?" I asked

A lot of sonic screwdriver waving later, we manage to find the thing. It took us _hours_ of wandering in the dark. That's what it seemed like, anyway. It was easier to spot because of the dark once we found the right place. It was perched on a house in a deserted street. The house was made of wood, but it wasn't burning. Even though the bird was. It has a large slim body, a long neck and a short beak. The feathers were shiny gold and fire danced along them majestically.

"Greetings, humans," it said. "I wonder if you could tell me why everyone runs away when they see me and I try to speak with them?"

"That might be because you're a flaming talking bird in a city of wood," I said flippantly.

"I'm the Doctor. This is Donna," the Doctor said pleasantly. "And I'm not human, I'm Time Lord."

"I say! I thought the Time Lords were extinct! You are a funny little race. Amazing, yes. But funny."

"Thanks! I think," the Doctor said, looking confused. "Anyway, I don't suppose you were planning on dying..."

"Are you threatening me, Mr. Doctor? I could roast you quite easily, you know,"

"No, no! No threats! It's just..."

Blimey, we were going to be there all night.

"We don't want you to set London on fire," I told him bluntly.

"Ah! I see! Why didn't you say so? No need to concern yourselves. I'm not going to die for a long time..."

The minute he finished his sentence, there was a distant cry.

"Fire!"

I saw an orange glow spread quickly in the distance. It engulfed everything. Everything was made of wood, so everything got swallowed. The screams were awful. The Ignitop was watching.

"I see why you were worried. It seems humans were the cause of this fire. I think I'll try and do some damage limitation- I can stop it from spreading outside of London."

The Doctor stared at him.

"But what about London? The people?"

"Listen, I'll do my best. I only have so much control. As the humans used wood for their city, I don't think there's much I can do. I suggest you leave at once!"

We do leave. Staying is too upsetting. This time there is truly nothing we can do. We could just about make out the flames of the Ignitop hovering above the real fire, trying to calm it. It seemed a little less furious, but it was still a monster.

The Doctor has his grim face on.

"There's somewhere we should go..."

This time it _is_ modern day London. The TARDIS seems to be apologising. It's the Monument. The Monument is there as a memorial of the Great Fire of London. A great tall column with a golden top.

"That's not the colour of fire! That's an Ignitop!" I said, pointing to the top of the column.

"I think you're right!" the Doctor grinned. "See, not all aliens want to destroy the world!"

"Just most of them!"

"Fancy seeing Grease?" he asked, waving the psychic paper. "Not the first showing but..."

"YES! A whole world of yes!"


	4. Rule 3

**A\N****This story includes New Earth- tiny spoilers for Gridlock and New Earth if you haven't watched them (I don't know when episodes air in different countries) Enjoy and review please! **

**Disclaimer: Not mine. Belongs to BBC. They are lucky people.**

_Rule 3. When you talk to aliens, make sure they don't in fact want to eat you. Actually, it's best to let the Doctor do the talking to start with. Then the aliens can try and eat him instead._

Planet after planet after planet- I have all these stories inside me and I can't write them all down because some of them are just so _insane_ I don't know where to start. I know a proper story is a beginning, middle and end, but sometimes the stories I live begin without me knowing and end so suddenly I can't believe it's stopped because I'm still reeling. Each story is so precious to me I try and cling to every detail, sights and sounds and smells because they're all so new and fresh and _real_.

Things get like that with the Doctor.

I like to save the stories for Granddad. He loves them.

There was this one planet...We landed there by accident- the Doctor's fault because he annoyed the TARDIS by accidentally yanking off a lever. He just tugged it a tiny bit too hard. I have no idea why it would be more cross about that than being hit with a hammer, but it _is_ alien.

Anyway, out the TARDIS we go. The planet is green and lush-looks harmless enough. Actually, looks a lot like Earth except it has gold coloured cloudy looking objects in the sky. I start to wonder if there are humans living here.

The Doctor is strangely quiet. He sniffs the ground.

"Apple grass," he says, picking a blade.

"Smells nice. Don't tell me- they bottle it and sell it as perfume, am I right?"

I try and get the Doctor talking. It's scary when he's all quiet.

"I think...I think this is New Earth. Before the humans arrived."

"New Earth? What happened to the old one?"

"Got roasted when the sun expanded. I was there...with Rose."

There's a soft sadness to the single syllable. I don't know what happened, not exactly, but I think she was his girlfriend. I don't press him. I wait. It's an unspoken understanding between us that I don't ask him about Rose and he doesn't ask me about spider- loving- almost- husbands. Thank God, the TARDIS whisked me away before I married.

"I came here with Martha, too," he says a bit more cheerfully. "We had some fun in New New York!"

"New New York?" I repeat incredulously.

"Actually, it's the fifteenth version of the city so actually it's New New New.... why do I make this speech every time I come here?"

"How many times have you been here?"

"Three times, now. With Rose, with Martha. And now with you! Actually, it's weird, there are no people around. Not even Cat People. Where is everyone?"

We walk across the plains. The Doctor tells me about his visit to the planet with Martha. He tells me about the motorways and the Macra and the Face of Boe. He happily tells me about Brannigan the Cat Person and his family.

He tells me nothing about his first visit with Rose.

We're just wandering, when suddenly a Cat Person appears in front of us. I can tell it's a Cat Person because it looks like a cat. Shocking. I notice the way it watches us...like something would watch its prey. It's making me extremely uncomfortable.

"Doctor, maybe we should..."

Too late. The Doctor strides up to it.

"Hello," he says. "I'm the Doctor, this is my friend Donna. I was wondering if you could tell me what year it is?"

"You look tasty!" it hisses, swiping with its claws. "Never seen prey like you before!"

"No, no! Bad cat! We're not prey, we're intelligent! Well, I am anyway!"

"Oi!" I yell. "Watch it, Spaceman!"

As I say it, I am slowly backing away from the enraged Cat Person. I am NOT getting eaten by a cat, thanks very much.

"Hmm. Prey has never talked before," the Cat Person says suddenly. "Hmm."

"What's your name?" the Doctor wants to know.

"My name? Shalp. I'm hungry."

"No! Really? I couldn't tell, Shalp."

"What species are you?"

"I'm human, he's Time Lord. You're a cat!" I say wondrously.

"Human? Human? Hmm. There are many legends about humans! They say they are the great explorers reaching out across the stars from the planet Sol 3. They are developing most incredible technology!"

The Doctor looks put out. It's quite funny- normally he's the legend and I'm just a human. His face!

"What about Time Lords? Anything about those?"

"Never heard of you. Are those yours?" he asks, pointing at the sky.

I look up. There's nothing there. The Doctor never mentioned the Cat People being crazy. There's just the golden clouds and blue, blue sky stretching out forever...

"Those...state of the art ships originating from Curlt?"

Great. The Doctor's lost it too. What am I going to do now?

"I can't see anything!" I say, squinting at the sky in case what they're looking at is just really small. "There's just sky and clouds!"

"Donna, they're not clouds!"

The penny drops. And as it dawns on me, the clouds change. You know when the picture goes funny on your T.V? Like that.

"What's going on?" I demand. Golden beams shoot out of the clouds to the ground.

"Did you tell me what year it is?" the Doctor asks Shalp.

"Hmm... five billion and seven."

"Then yes, those are ours."

"What?" I say, looking at him because I know one thing you don't do is say freaky looking spaceships are yours when they're not.

"Look," the Doctor says simply.

I peer at where the beams landed, the figures emerging from the light. Shalp runs for it- muttering about telling the others.

"Humans!"

"This is the year humans colonised the planet New Earth. We're watching history, Donna!"

Funny, that. I always thought history was Romans and Vikings and Henry the VIII. One of the best things about travelling with the Doctor is that I get to see "history" all the time.


	5. Rule 4

**A\N****This story turned out to be quite long. I think it's turned out quite well- review and tell me what you think! Enjoy! **:D

**Disclaimer: Don't own Doctor Who, I'm just borrowing it for fun. Because it is brilliant. **

_Rule 4: The sonic screwdriver is in fact a magic wand that can get you out of everything except really good handcuffs_

Where the Doctor goes, he always takes three things with him. His sonic screwdriver, the psychic paper, and since I came along, me. But the one he could definitely not survive without is the sonic screwdriver. Before I met the Doctor, Sonic was just a little blue hedgehog in a computer game the geeks liked to play. Now someone says sonic, I just think "screwdriver". The Doctor without his sonic screwdriver is like Harry Potter without his wand. Like London without the underground. You get the picture.

Why does it have to make such an annoying buzzing sound, though? Sometimes it's all I can hear. I even hear it in my dreams, which is a bit worrying.

The Doctor takes me to London 2100. It's one of those times where we take off and just stop somewhere at random. Once we materialised in the middle of a cinema and the Doctor had to hurriedly convince everyone it was part of the film's special effects. I was standing behind him trying not to laugh. I wasn't doing a very good job. He was saying "Yeah, so when he takes her to the dance there's meant to be this blue box that appears but they forgot to put it in the actual film so it needed to appear for real, if you get what I mean! No need to panic, it's nothing to worry about! Tell you what, take it up with the film producers!"

"Enjoy the rest of the film!" I spluttered when I was finally able to speak. The Doctor dragged me back into the TARDIS.

"It's not funny, Donna! Well, maybe a bit. But a very little bit. Stop laughing!"

That was a fun day.

I don't know if this day will be fun or not. I step out the TARDIS and London hasn't really changed that much in 100 years. There are still all the business people rushing for the tube and the red buses which look a bit more high tech and the roads and buildings stretching on for what seems like forever.

"Look up," says the Doctor.

I do as he says expecting sky and clouds and perhaps a plane. What do I see? A whacking great rocket! It's shooting upwards, fire blazing from its tail. It's made of shiny silver metal with the words "LONDON THE 2100" printed on the side. In just a few seconds, it's a tiny speck lost in the sky, which is still blue. Even though it's 2100.

"They sell holidays to the moon- they've built a giant space hotel on the surface of it. There's artificial gravity so your food doesn't float away, and most importantly your keys. I went for a little spacewalk on the moon, spacesuit and everything, and I hadn't been out the TARDIS a minute when the key floated past my eyes! I had to jump to get it back- jumping on the moon is always fun because the lack of gravity means you can jump much higher than you can on Earth..."

I'm only half listening because this is standard Doctor ramble. O.K, the Doctor's not exactly standard, but it's still rambling. It's so typical of the Doctor to have lost his keys on the moon instead of, I don't know, just forgetting where he left them.

A memory suddenly jolts into my mind.

"They said that hospital was transported to the moon. The one that disappeared."

"The Royal Hope. I met Martha there."

He's still a little bit sad when he talks about Martha. He hasn't forgiven himself for "destroying half her life". That's what he said. I don't think Martha agrees.

"The Judoon took it because an alien was hiding in there."

"Why would an alien hide in a _hospital_? Surely the x-ray would give it away!"

"This one was a shape shifter. Very good with a straw."

O.K, time to change the subject.

"Are we going to this space hotel, Doctor?"

"Ooohh, yes! It'll be a great experience Donna! Trust me, you'll love it!"

"How are we paying?"

"With cash, of course!" he says, producing the sonic screwdriver and striding to a cashpoint.

"I promise I won't accidentally cause a recession this time! I'll only withdraw a little!"

"You started that? You dumbo!"

"It wasn't my fault! Well, maybe a little. But it was an accident and about, oohh, 97% of it was your fault anyway!"

We manage to blag our way onto a space rocket leaving that day. The psychic paper serves as all our legal documents. We are given a tour guide and a list of rules. The minute the hostess has her back turned the Doctor screws up the rules list without looking at it and chucks it in the bin at the end of the row. If anyone else tried it, it would have missed the bin altogether. As it's the Doctor, it lands straight in the bin with a THUNK!

"I already know the rules!" he protests when I give him a look.

"Yeah, yeah, Spaceman."

The rocket fills up with passengers. There's rows of seats on different levels, as the rocket stands vertically. A lift runs down the middle of the seats to deposit the passengers in their correct seat. There's a four huge screens in front of the seating are, arranged so every person can see one. An image of the hostess appears on the screen suddenly, making me jump.

"Welcome to London 2100 Lunar Holidays! The following film will give you information on the guidelines you should follow, and what will happen once we land. Please enjoy your journey!"

When she finishes her little speech (something about litter and safety) the rocket lurches upwards. No warning, no 3-2-1 countdown. I shriek, because we're flying and I feel like I left my stomach back on Earth. It's amazing though, I've never experience anything like this and it's thrilling! The Doctor's wearing a wide grin and practically jumping up and down in his seat.

"Isn't this brilliant, Donna Noble!"

The journey takes a good 3 hours. We are supposed to be watching the information film. The Doctor has other ideas. He keeps twiddling with the sonic screwdriver and telling me how far we are off the Earth and how far we have to go until we reach the moon. Needless to say, I can't concentrate on the film with all the buzzing and end up listening to the story of how the Doctor met Martha in a hospital on the moon. It's a good story, and I would tell you, but it's not my story to tell if that makes any sense. O.K, I'll put it like this. ASK MARTHA.

We arrive at the space hotel and it's a record for us. We have been in a rocket for 3 hours and have not actually found any trouble. It's worrying, actually. Maybe we're supposed to be back on Earth stopping the invasion of some monstrous creature.

Our room has only one bed. No doubt they assumed I am the Doctor's wife, _again_. Do the words _just friends_ mean nothing to these people? Next time I'll tell them he's gay. I'll forgive them just this once though, because the room also has moon views! The moon looks dusty, white and rocky. There are about a zillion craters, but no cheese. This proves moon cheese is just a myth. You learn something new every day.

"There's something wrong," the Doctor says.

"Yeah, there's only one bed. You'll just have to sleep on the floor, Spaceman!"

"No, it's something else...just don't quite..."

Out comes the screwdriver. Buzz, buzz, buzzety buzz. _Shut up!_ I yell in my mind.

"There's something wrong with the air. It's artificial, pumped through the hotel so you don't have to wear a spacesuit. It should be almost the same as the air back on Earth, but there's something different. Something new."

"Is that bad?"

"I don't know. Let's go and have a look at the air pumps."

There's a little map in the tour guide which we follow. The space hotel looks like a future version of the Ritz, only with more metal. The air pumps are situated in a tiny room in a corner of the building. You'd think there'd be someone there to make sure they were working properly at all times, because if they broke down that's about 100 people dead from no air. There's no-one, we just walk in. Anyone could do the same.

"Where's the staff?" I ask.

"There is none. You lot! You can be awfully careless sometimes!"

I choose to ignore this.

"Ahh! Someone's been meddling with this!"

Twiddle, twirl, fiddle, click, whoooosh.

O.K. Handcuffs. Really good handcuffs. One minute we're trying to sort out the air pumps, the next we're grabbed from behind, handcuffed, and tied to a chair. By some kind of alien thing, as usual. It happened in approximately 10 seconds.

"What!?" says the Doctor, more than a little put out that his good deed has ended with him tied up. The alien in front of us looks suspiciously human like.

"Who are you and why are we tied up?" I ask impatiently.

"For interrr-ferrrr-ing with my plan," he drawls slowly, dragging out each syllable. He's a good looking bloke, tall and muscly with short, dark hair. He's good looking until his eyes glow a disturbing yellow colour and a snake's tongue flicks out of his mouth. Disgusting.

"A Snakophiam. Oh, you are beautiful. Wonderful! Can you untie us, please?"

"Flatttt-ery does not work on me, Earrrth-man!"

"I'm not an Earthman. How dare you! I'm a Time Lord!"

"Oi! Watch it! Both of you! And as for you Snakey, he said Time Lord. Timmme Lorrrd. Got it?"

"Timme Lorrrd? All dead. Stupid war. I don't belieeeve you!"

"O.K, if you're not going to untie us, tell us your plan! We're tied up, see! Can't stop you now," the Doctor says, getting more frustrated by the minute.

"I make you huuu-mans listen to me! My planet disss-appear-edd! Halfff my peoppp-le with it. Earth a good planet for my people. This will be our newww home! Huu-mans will obey us!"

"Disappeared? What do you mean?" I press. I remember others that said something like this before. Miss Foster- that's right, didn't she say the Adipose lost their breeding planet? And the Pyroviles, they said their planet disappeared too. Maybe it's connected...

But Snakey walks out to the tiny room behind the air pumps, leaving us tied up. Great.

"Get us out!" I hiss to the Doctor.

"I'm trying!" he whispers. "Yes! Got the rope undone! But I can't undo the handcuffs!"

I experiment for a couple of minutes, wiggling my hands about. The cuffs are quite loose, I find I can tip them from my wrists to my fingers and then sort of wriggle my fingers out of them.

"You don't need to- they're loose!" I whisper, hoping the Doctor doesn't have freakishly large hands. I haven't really noticed, but you don't tend to look at people's hands, do you?

I needn't have worried, he was out in a couple of minutes. Snakey is still in the next room- I find I'm gasping for breath.

"Doctor!" I pant.

"It's O.K, just take deep breaths! He's started taking the air, but I won't let him finish!"

Out comes the sonic screwdriver. It would be so typical if that in my dying moments all I can hear is that thing! I feel like I'm going to pass out!

After a five minutes, I find breathing getting easier. The Doctor is still buzzig away on the air pumps. I can hear outraged hissing from Snakey. I remember something about an emergency number from the information video. I pull out my super phone and the tour guide. Where's the right page? Flick, flick, flick. Found it.

I am walking on the moon. Oh. My. God. And the Doctor is right, you can jump super high! The space suit is more comfy than it looks, too. I have seen the footprints of Neil Armstrong, the first man on the moon! The Doctor has shown me where the Judoon ships landed, and the imprint of the hospital in the dust. Oh, yes, it's very dusty on the moon. Dusty enough to make moon dust castles!

"This is amazing! I bloody love you!" I shouted at the Doctor. He grinned.

As for Snakey, he was arrested. We get our names written on the moon in moon dust as reward for saving everyone, despite the Doctor's pleas for no fuss. They'll be there forever because there's no wind on the moon. DOCTOR- DONNA.


	6. Rule 5

**A\N I am now half way through Donna's rules, still having fun writing them :) I know this next rule is obvious but I felt it was important so I put it in. The story is weird, I've tried hard to make sure it's not too confusing. No-one else has read it at time of writing this so I don't know if I've done a very good job! Please enjoy and review. **

**Disclaimer: *clears throat* Doctor Who is not mine. I bought five story books based on it, so if it was mine I would be keeping myself in business, lol! But it's not. **

_Rule 5: Don't be afraid to have to say what you think._

I have a lot to say, but hardly anyone listens. I shout. Still not listening. And then I met the Doctor and suddenly someone is listening. Someone who's not my granddad.

Today we're going to the launch of the world's first virtual reality computer game. Or VR, as the Doctor calls it. He's very enthusiastic about it, rattling on about technical stuff . VR is basically where you don't just play the game, you are actually _in_ the game. So instead of pressing the forward arrow to walk, you actually walk forward. Instead of pressing the shoot button to shoot, you actually lift up your gun and shoot. Don't ask me how it works, because I'm not into computers.

I yawn. This is a big mistake.

"I'm telling you about the first ever, EVER VR computer system and you're yawning? You're bored?" the Doctor splutters disbelievingly.

"I'm not bored, I'm _tired_. All that running around on Valixy has tired me out!"

"We didn't do _that_ much running! Come on, Donna, it's VR. VR, as in not real, as in not really running!"

"Oh, go on then, it's only a computer game. Might as well have a look and see what Nintendo's been up to!"

"Allons-y!"

I mouth it at the exact same time as him. The Doctor doesn't notice and cheerfully flicks controls on the TARDIS. She's in a good mood today, there's less being chucked around the room. I always used to really hate it when men referred to their cars and stuff as "she", but the TARDIS _must_ be female, because no male could tease the Doctor so skilfully.

We land at the right place and the right time. This is practically a miracle. I know we are where we are supposed to be because the Doctor gives the TARDIS an affectionate pat on her wooden blue door in silent thanks. I gawp at the scene we are about to step into. It's dark and the buildings are all illuminated, lights glowing brightly. There are billboards with huge Japanese letters. I blink and they arrange themselves into English, courtesy of the TARDIS translator. Cars hurtle down the road at impossibly quick speeds, and there are people all around us speaking quickly in what must be Japanese but sounds English (thank you TARDIS).

"Welcome to Tokyo. It's the year 2231, the year of the first VR system. Which will be demonstrated for the first time at a press conference in, oh, about 17 minutes? We can make it if we run!"

I can't help but laugh at him. Even though he promised me no running, well, did I really believe it was possible to go somewhere and not run? We dash through the streets of Tokyo, heading for the building with "Revolution- changing the future of gaming" written on it in stinging scarlet letters. I narrowly miss being run over by a car as we dash across a zebra crossing (the black and white stripes on the road are lit from underneath somehow), but I have never felt so alive! A year ago, I was what? Just a temp. Temporary. No-one wanted me for good, but now someone does! This is one of those moments where I feel like I'm flying, even if my feet are pounding along the ground.

We arrive just as the doors are about to close. The Doctor flashes our "press pass" at the doorman.

"Who's she?" he asks.

"That's Donna- she's...my photographer."

"She hasn't got a camera!"

"Well, I said she was a photographer. I didn't say she was a good one!"

"I'll have you know my camera is one of those state of the art ones no bigger than your thumb. It's in my pocket. Now, are you going to let us in or what?" I bluffed indignantly.

He let us in. After breathing an "awesome." We took off sharpish before he asked to see my invisible camera.

"Anyone asks, we're writing for, oh I don't know, the _Gaming Chronicle_," the Doctor informs me.

"That doesn't exist does it?"

"Yes. Course it does! As of about ten minutes ago!"

We find ourselves in a massive room lined with plush, red chairs. We are late, so we have to sit at the back, but we still have a good view of what's going on. The place is full to the brim and there are people everywhere. At the front there's one of those shop window dummies wearing a piece of silver material that covers the whole body. Like a sort of body sock. Even most of the face is covered with a gap for the nose and mouth. The eyes are hidden with a pair of oversized sunglasses.

"Are you sure we're in the right place and this isn't some sort of fashion show?"

The Doctor looks amused.

"That suit covers the body in sensors to make it seem like you can move in the virtual reality. They're even developing touch and smell to make it more lifelike. The glasses provide the visuals. There are also ear phones for sound, but they're so tiny you can't even see them! There are no wires either. You just have to download the game from the internet to the tiny, _tiny_ memory card that slots in the side of the glasses and you're ready to play. It's genius, it really is! So much _creativity_! That little streak of creativity in every human, that's how you lot survive!"

"I don't like computer games," I blurt out. I then feel guilty because of where we are, but it's true.

The Doctor looks at me curiously.

"Actually, I'm not too keen on them myself. Far too easy. It only takes me 2 hours at most to complete a game and on the brain trainer thing Mickey had, I did 20 maths problems in 2 seconds. Bor-ing!"

I laughed.

"That is so typically _you_! The reason I don't like them is that they're _nothing_ compared to travelling with you! They're not real! But if neither of us are fans of computer games, why did you bring us here?"

"O.K, alright then, you got me! There's a bit of a mystery surrounding the first VR system. There was this press conference and then zip, nada until 3 years later when a new system from a different company was created and released to the public. Something must have happened at this conference and I want to find out what."

Just as he finished his sentence, the people at the front began to call for quiet. It was about to start. An image of the silver suit appeared on the cinema screen behind the stage. There was an advert for the system, including lots of good looking, smiley people who put on the suit thing and went straight into their "dream worlds." The slogan at the end had something about "making your dreams come true" in it. Maybe Disneyland sued them for copying their similar slogan, therefore bankrupting the company so they couldn't afford to manufacture the VR thing.

When that had finished, a man who must have been a technician started blabbering a lot of technical stuff which I couldn't understand. The Doctor looked like he was in heaven though, lapping it all up. I stared at the suit, trying to imagine what it must feel like. I was a bit spooked, actually. Could you tell how long you were in there for? What if someone tried to hurt you? Would you notice? What if the game froze? Would you be trapped, unable to move? The more I thought about it, the more possibilities I came up with, the worse it seemed. _Calm down_, I thought, _you're just scaring yourself! They've got it all worked out, it's fine! But what if it's not? Then you and the Doctor are here to make it fine. _

I hate arguing with myself. It makes me feel like a crazy person.

"And now- for the demonstration! Perhaps we could have a volunteer?"

Almost every single hand shoots up to a chorus of "Me! Me!" It's like a bunch of small, enthusiastic school children eager to answer miss for a gold star. The Doctor has a look of sheer excitement written across his face. He's not picked, of course. The lucky journalist is a Japanese woman from the front row. She has short black glossy hair and a triumphant smile. Her teeth are very, very white. She says she's a reporter for the _Gaming Monthly_ and squeals excitedly. I try to contain my desire to yell "Get a life!" at her. Bad Donna.

She slips the suit on over her clothes and the glasses are slid into position. The technician man tells her how to start the game. There is a long silence.

Silence. Silence. Silence.

And then she screams, long and loud. Bolts of electricity run through her body and she carries on screaming shrilly. The Doctor's there in a second dragging me up with him. Everyone else is frozen with shock. Her body drops to the ground with a solemn THUMP.

The Doctor crouches beside her; she's still alive, just.

"They...live...inside... games...said...intruder..." Her eyes close.

"Someone call an ambulance!" I shriek. "Now!"

The room jolts back to life. There are people shouting, arguing, frantically asking questions. I look at the Doctor. He looks back at me sadly.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry but she's dead," he says simply, sorrowfully. "There was nothing I could do."

I look around. The room is in complete chaos. A woman, an ordinary woman, has just died. She must have had a family, a home, a life. And then she went to work one day and didn't come home. We were the only ones to hear her dying words. I can hear the technician speaking to someone.

"I can assure you, this has never happened before, never. I am so sorry, it won't happen again."

Anger burns inside me. I turn to shout at him "That's what you say to someone when their _toaster_ breaks. This isn't a toaster and someone's _died_!"

The ambulance arrives, and most people flee in terror and shock.

The Doctor is examining his finger with the sonic screwdriver.

"What are you doing?" I demand.

"The memory card the game was stored on fell out of the glasses. Just having a look..."

I peer at his finger tip. There's a slip of rectangular metal. That's it.

"That killed her?"

"I need to look at the data. But I don't have a computer that's compatible," he says, frustration in his voice.

The technician is listening. The rest of his team are gone, but he's lingering.

"You could use this," he says, holding out a computer the size of my hand.

The Doctor looks up and takes it. "Thanks," he says, and slots the card into the machine, which then whirs. He slips his glasses on. "What was your name again?"

"Stephen," he says. "I grew up in England, but I was offered this job so...here I am."

"I'm the Doctor and this is my friend Donna. And we've got some more friends, too. Your games are all contaminated with the H.A.I virus. Hostile artificial intelligence. What that means is the data making up the game has taken on its own personality. It can think, it can dream, it can wonder. And it can kill. The reasons why this happens aren't discovered until the year 2567 so you'll have to wait until then. Anyway, what we'll do is put in another virus..."

The sonic screwdriver flashes blue and streams of numbers whizz across the minuscule computer machine. The computer appears to fight back, sparks of electricity flying out.

"Get back!" shouts the Doctor.

I'm already moving. Not getting electric shock today, thank you very much. Suddenly an image flashes up on the cinema screen the advert was shown on. It's a stream of numbers, but behind that is what looks like a face. It's a fuzzy, pale image but I swear it's a face. And it's sneering. At the Doctor.

"Look out!" I yell, and the Doctor dodges a massive bolt of electricity that launches itself from the screen. One of his shoelaces gets slightly singed. The Doctor carries on scanning with his screwdriver, occasionally hammering a random button on the keyboard. He keeps up a running commentary of nonsensical technical words, the occasional curse and "Ooh, that's very clever. But not as clever as me! Ha!" Me and the technician can only watch the cyber battle. I concentrate on the cinema screen face. The expression changes to a sad, dejected face I almost feel sorry for. And then it's gone.

"Deleted. All safe for now, at least. Except this VR system isn't safe. So you're going to have to have a rethink. Sorry, but you're not selling this one- the risk of this happening again is just too high," the Doctor explains.

"I saw a face!" I say, staring at the now blank screen. "That computer thing is just insane!"

I'm always one to tell it like it is. What's the point of going through time and space if I have to keep my opinions to myself?

The Doctor gives me a very strange look. This makes a change, as I am normally giving him strange looks. He mumbles something about me seeing things that aren't there and wonders aloud if he should be worried.

"I know what I saw, Spaceman!"

"Right, yes, well. I don't know how that can be possible."

Even the Doctor, a 900 year old alien who's travelled through space and time doesn't know everything. I grin smugly. Before I can say anything, the Doctor starts up again:

"But anyway, onwards. Where do you want to go next? We could go to the first Aboriginal art gallery in ancient Australia. Or there's a really good meteor shower that happens near Glutder Nexyu. Or maybe you would prefer to meet the Vikings..."

Just another "normal" day travelling with the Doctor.


	7. Rule 6

**A\N Sorry it took a while to update, busy with coursework (moan). This is a very,very silly story involving bananas. Writing it was extremely fun so I hope it's fun to read too! Thank you to my reviewers and anyone who added my story to favourites, I am purring a lot (username joke, very bad, I'm sorry but I couldn't resist) Hope you enjoy the story, despite the crazy silliness! **

**Disclaimer: Don't own ANYTHING. Am so depressed :( Reviews would cheer me up ;)**

_Rule 6: Make sure you and the Doctor are talking about the same thing/thinking along the same lines. _

The Doctor likes to talk _a lot_. It's a good job his mouth doesn't have a word count because it'd probably blow up. He just talks too quickly and rambles and says stuff no-one else understands- believe me, this can be very frustrating.

Ramblonia is a small planet on the edge of our galaxy. It is inhabited by a colony of humans who call themselves Ramblonians. The Doctor seems very, VERY excited about this planet and begins to leap round the TARDIS like a Loon Lord, not a Time Lord.

"It's just amazing, Donna! Absolutely brilliant! The humans there are supposed to be very friendly and welcoming! Can you believe we're going somewhere where we'll actually be welcome..."

And so on. They might be called Ramblonians, but no-one can ramble like the Doctor. He could ramble for England. Well, actually he rambles for the whole world. Which is good, otherwise aliens would have destroyed us ages ago. See, rambling is not always a bad thing. I'm doing it now, it's Donna approved.

We crash land onto Ramblonia. No surprise there, then. The TARDIS has landed us on the right planet, which is great. She has also landed us in the middle of a factory. Not so great, because it smells really weird and it looks like a place we could get lost in. And if there's even the slightest chance of us getting lost, we will.

"Where is this?" I demand, as I step from the TARDIS into a genuine Ramblonian factory.

"Um...well, it's some kind of factory."

"No! Really? You must be a genius to have worked that out!"

"O.K, O.K. If I've remember correctly they make," he cuts off, taking a deep gulp of air. "Bananas."

"Yes, we are bananas- we've landed in a factory! Hardly the best tourist attraction, is it?"

"No, bananas! You know, yellow fruit that grows on trees and isn't lemons. Bananas are good."

I still haven't got a clue what he's talking about. I open my mouth, but he must have noticed my puzzled expression because he speaks before I can.

"The factory makes bananas! It's a banana factory! They grow bananas and sell them. They also make banana soup, banana yoghurt, chocolate chip and banana cookies, banana ice cream, banana fudge..."

"Banana _soup_?"

"Part of local cuisine. Wonder if they do free samples? Let's have a nose round."

We find ourselves in a huge banana grove room. The Doctor steals a banana.

"Always have a banana handy!" he grins.

O.K. The Doctor obviously has some weird obsession with bananas. Just nod and smile, Donna. Nod and smile.

"Try one, Donna. These are supposed to be some of the most delicious bananas in the universe and they certainly pass my taste test!"

I give in. It's part of travelling to new places with the Doctor. Eat the food, try not to fight with the natives, walk the wrong way down the street, save the planet. You know, the usual stuff. I don't know how you could possibly walk the wrong way down a street, but apparently I've done it. That was a fun day.

I peel a banana and bite into it. This banana...this banana is gorgeous. The best banana ever. Sweet and tasty and gorgeous. I'd still prefer cake, but it's a really, _really _tasty banana. Sudden thought.

"Do they make banana cake? They must do, surely!"

The Doctor grins widely, juggling three of the yellow-fruit-that-grow-on trees-but-aren't-lemons.

"That's the spirit!"

We eventually find ourselves in a banana market at what looks like the front of the factory. There are several people wandering amongst the many stalls of banana products. The only colour is yellow. Yellow factory, yellow tables, yellow bananas. Fortunately, the people aren't yellow. I'm not a "yellowist" or anything, they would just blend in too well and I'd probably walk into one of them and get a load of abuse. Things like that happen to me- a _lot_.

The Doctor seems to be in his own little Doctor heaven. In my version of Doctor heaven, there are lots of computers, a lab complete with test tubes and chemicals and a pile of physics books. Of course the TARDIS is there too so he can wander off whenever he feels like it. And no-one dies, ever. I have now mentally added a banana grove.

There are a couple of people talking in front of one of the stalls ahead of us. One of them is a woman, middle aged, tired looking. The other is a young man, looking jumpy.

I get closer, listening to their conversation.

"Going to shut the factory down...sad...protestors...bananas..."

They break off, seeing me approaching.

"Sorry," I say, smiling. "I just couldn't help over hearing. This place is getting shut down?"

The woman nods solemnly.

"Yes. They say the factory doesn't make enough money. A lot of people will be sad to see it go because it's been on Ramblonia from the very beginning. Bananas are our signature food, too."

"Who's this "they" then?"

"Markie Dee owned the factory, but then he died. The factory passed to the hands of the government and they're too lazy to find someone else to run it. They don't want to pay for it, either. It's criminal!"

"Can't they sell it on?"

"Oh, yes. But no-one with enough finds will buy," says the man. "The Bananas of Ramblonia Association are trying to raise the funds to buy it, but they're a couple of thousand short. They've got a week," he says sadly. "We need an investor or a really good fundraising idea..."

I grin. "Maybe I could help with the fund raising idea!"

I look around for the Doctor, but he's wandered off. How hypocritical is that? He tells me not to wander off and find trouble, and he does just that! Fine, then. He'll have to come and find me when he wants to go. My idea is met with approval, so I decide to help Jase and Hyacinth(I thought it would be polite to learn their names) get it organised.

A couple of hours later, I am wearing a ridiculous yellow dress with flaps coming off it. It is supposed to look like banana peel. Unfortunately, this is when the Doctor decides to turn up.

"They're going to destroy the factory!" he gasps.

"I know! That's why I'm dressed like this! You know, a banana!"

"Alien terrorists are going to attack this place and you think dressing up like a banana is going to stop that?!"

"WHAT!"

"I heard some people say the factory would be destroyed. We have to stop them! Which we're not going to do if you're dressed like that!"

I calmly explain to the Doctor that the factory is being shut down, not blown up, and he's misinterpreted what's going on. He defensively says that there were a lot of attacks on newly established planets at about this time, what was he supposed to think?

"You dumbo!" I laugh. "No wait- you _banana_!"

"What are you doing?" he asks, scrunching his face up at my outfit.

"Selling tickets for the Banana Eating contest. To raise funds to buy the factory with. £5 to enter, £4 to watch. Person to eat the most bananas in 15 minutes wins. Maybe we'll save the factory after all! You helping, or what?"

A week later, the Bananas of Ramblonia Association purchased the factory. Needless to say, the contest went very well. The Doctor won. We now have a years supply of bananas to carry back to the TARDIS.

_Rule 6.5: Bananas are good_


	8. Rule 7

**A\N** **An odd little fic about trees. Don't ask, it's random. Hope it's O.K and review please! Thank you! :D**

**Disclaimer: IDODW! I don't own Doctor Who. It belongs to the BBC but I am hatching a plan to steal it. It's not a good plan, but it's still a plan. **

_Rule 7: About three quarters of what comes out of the Doctor's mouth is mad ramble. You really don't have to listen to every word, but listening can be interesting..._

I got up today and found the Doctor talking to the TARDIS. I love the TARDIS and all, but having a conversation with her isn't really having a conversation. Travelling through space and time? No problem! Talking? Not a chance!

"I have to talk to someone while you're asleep, or it just builds up in my head like a...like a...Uyan bomb!"

I gave him my most sarcastic look. The TARDIS hummed cheerily.

"Why don't _you_ sleep?"

"Don't need to. Sleeping is so _human_!"

"Yeah, whatever, alien boy. Where are we going today?"

"Oh, I don't know. Wherever the TARDIS decides to take us! I don't feel like following a plan today, because you know, it's all very well thinking "Oh, I'll do this" or "Oh I'll do that" but you can't really factor in things like, oh I don't know, if you need to stop a hostile alien life form from blowing stuff up or causing trouble or if you're going to end up handcuffed and locked in the basement when all you were doing was trying to buy a nice looking vase..."

This last part catches my interest.

"What planet was that?"

"Fofoyre. Turned out the vase contained a little sprinkling of Uyan powder and if I put water in it and some flowers I would have gone up in smoke- and it was such a nice vase!"

"Why did they lock you in the basement?"

"They thought it was me who planted it! Me! In the end I convinced them I was innocent but it took me 17 hours of talking because the Fofoyre aren't very trusting. It was quite fun, actually. I told them all about Martha and her travels with me, and one of them said "He needs help, it is our duty to give him the chance to get it" and I was off! Easy!"

"You talked about Martha for _17 hours_!"

"Yeah. Don't tell her, she might get...um...ideas."

"I won't. Next time you can talk about me."

"Oh no! No, no, no, no, no!"

"Well, thanks very much, spaceman!" I say, huffily and not without a bit of hurt. He frantically bangs on the TARDIS control panel.

"No! No! I mean the TARDIS! I forgot to...something! "

I notice flashing lights beneath the console and an odd thrum coming from the usually pleasantly humming walls.

"What is it?"

"Donna, please stay very calm."

"JUST TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG!"

"I think we're going to crash land."

Crash land is one way of putting it. I would call it something more fitting like a "SMASH! BASH! CRASH! THUMP!" land. There is nothing we can do except roll around the floor like knocked over bowling pins. When it finally stops, I sit up to check the damage. The TARDIS walls are moaning: it sounds like it's in pain. The Doctor is peering at the small screen, glasses on eyes, frown on face.

"We're on the planet Gyrot. A huge, great, floating pharmacy. The forests that grow here provide cures for trillions of diseases! Well, not quite trillions, but definitely thousands. Good place to be when you're sick."

"We're not sick,"

"Well, no, but the TARDIS has caught a little bug. Soon have her sorted on a planet like this!"

He strides towards the doors with the confidence of... the Doctor. Imagine the most confident person you know. Times their confidence by 3 and that is the Doctor. The TARDIS interrupts my thoughts by moaning loudly in her weird TARDIS way. It sounds wrong. The Doctor is right, the TARDIS is definitely sick.

The land outside is green and yellow. There are also splashes of crimson and purple. Trees. Trees everywhere. The TARDIS has lodged herself between a distinctive shiny, sapphire blue tree and an ordinary green one. And that made me think that the ordinary one was like me and the shiny one was like the Doctor. What have I been eating?

During my trip to Loony Land, the Doctor has been staring up into the treetops.

"We're right beneath the city of Veneeta. We should be able to find some help there."

City? What city? There's no cars, no concrete, no skyscrapers. I scan the area the Doctor was looking at. There's what looks like a rickety old bridge up there. Why?

"Tree houses! Held up with powerful anti-gravity equipment that is of course 100% environmentally friendly. Want to have a look?"

I said no. Why would I want to see a city made of tree houses?

O.K, O.K, just joking. Course I said yes, and we set off to find a way up to the city. Luckily we found the entrance where the Doctor beamed and flashed the psychic paper. Next thing, we were being treated like V., getting ushered into a glass pod that floated up by itself. Most of the people were human, but there were a couple of strange, green bark skinned humanoids. The Doctor whispered they were part of the Forest of Cheem. They helped to look after the Forest of Cures, as the vast forest covering 85% of the planet was known. The tree house city was very impressive- there were houses made of logs, floating amongst the trees, whole clusters of them linked with wooden bridges. The Doctor makes a beeline for the huge, great log palace to the left. A green crescent symbol is painted on it.

"Hospital," says the Doctor. "Did you know they treated the great Kulo Kuli in there? He was this amazing doctor (well, not as amazing as me, naturally)who found the cure for petrifold regression, where the body is turned to stone. What he did was..."

I'm half listening, half lapping up my surroundings. It's so clean and fresh, unlike London. There are no cars; everyone uses the bridges and the occasional glass lift...wow!

At the hospital, the Doctor requests some kind of medicine I won't even bother trying to spell for the TARDIS. The young receptionist looks a little panicked and disappears off after telling us to wait, presumably gone to find the hyperglypori...whatever. The Doctor bounces lightly on his toes.

"They should really have a little shop," he says. I'm about to question him about this statement when the receptionist returns.

"The medicine you requested has run out. There is a team currently gathering materials for more medicine, if you can wait a week or so..."

"A week? Can't you get it any faster?"

"I'm sorry sir, that's just not possible! Since the last gathering team went missing, we've been low on stock..."

I stare at her.

"Missing! What do you mean missing?" I demand.

"Gone into the forest but never came back," says a low male voice from behind me. I jump and turn round to find myself addressing a tree person. Green bark skin with two black eyes wearing a long red robe. The green and red make him look a bit like a Christmas tree. I don't tell him this.

"Why aren't you looking for them?"

"No-body dares, the current gatherer team are the only ones to go back to the area they disappeared."

The Doctor's face lights up and I know exactly what he's thinking. And I approve.

"Right. Just give us a map and tell us where we're going! Allons-y!"

Two hours later and we're heading towards the area of the forest that a) has the medicine we need for the TARDIS and b) the gatherer team disappeared from. We've got food, water, a flask of tea and an umbrella. We are fully equipped and prepared for anything, according to the Doctor. Yeah, if something tries to eat us we can bribe it not to with a flask of tea. Genius. Maybe it would prefer the umbrella.

It' easy to work out where we're going- we need crimson trees for the TARDIS's medicine . There's an island of red among the sea of green. I can't help but think it's the same colour as blood. The Doctor whistles cheerfully. Nothing daunts him. He tells me it's the Gyrot national anthem and the words in English are "Trees, trees, trees/Wave in the breeze/Trees, trees, trees/Help you not sneeze". Err...

We sing it over and over again, louder and louder as we push through the vegetation.

"TREES TREES TREES WAVE IN THE BREEZE TREES TREES TREES HELP YOU NOT SNEEEEEEEZE!"

We push through a large screen of crimson leaves, the first ones we've seen this close. Ahead of us, a man with the body of a beetle and horns of a bull has a knife raised to the throat of a blindfolded man. He's frozen in shock. So are we. He's standing in the middle of a circle. Seven other people are blindfolded around the outside.

"Right then," says the Doctor. I can't believe we just saved someone from being brutally murdered by singing the Gyrot national anthem.

"More," Beetle-Bull says, enthralled.

We sing the whole thing again twice, keen to stop the knife being plunged into the throat of the unfortunate man.

"You humans funny. These humans come steal my trees so I have no food. I hungry. I eat. Humans not taste good but I _very_ hungry," he says, sensing our need for explanation.

"Oh, but can't you eat something else?" asks the Doctor. "I'm sure these humans didn't mean to steal your food."

"I not eat crimson leaf, they make me sick. These humans steal my green leaves!"

"You do know there's a whole forest of green leaves about half a mile that way," I tell the Beetle Bull.

"What? I not understand."

"There-are-green-leaves-that-way," I say slowly.

Beetle Bull lights up.

"You truly mean this? You not foul, greedy humans who trick me?"

"I swear. And the humans come here to find medicine for their people. To make them better. They don't deserve to be eaten by you!" I tell him.

"I sorry. I only ate one. You want rest of him?"

"No, no!" the Doctor says incredibly quickly. "Just let these ones go,"

We come out of the forest with eight very relieved people _and_ a cure for the TARDIS. The humans we rescued gladly provided us with that. We led Beetle Bull to the green part of the forest.

"Much thanks, funny humans!" he says.

"I'm not explaining I'm a Time Lord to him," muttered the Doctor. He's upset the Beetle Bull mistook him for a human. I reassure him Beetle Bull isn't that bright and it's easy to tell he's not a human.

"Really?" he asks.

"No," I say flippantly.


	9. Rule 8

**A\N This is another random and silly one. I just enjoy writing them! BIG THANK YOU and hugs to reviewers and anyone adding me to their faves or alerts it makes me happy and keeps me writing! Hope you enjoy this one!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

_Rule 8: ...or send you off on a long gabbled explanation that makes little or no sense. Just nod and smile. _

"...and then Martha ran off because she needed to find the golden bicycle and then the Diplop said how dare we steal the sacred artefact and I said ha! We need it to rest the binomial diametric loop so that we can...Donna? Donna, are you listening?"

I had merely asked him why a golden bicycle wheel was on board the TARDIS. I didn't have a clue what a binominal _whatever_, had to do with it.

"What? Yeah, course," I fib.

He peers at me suspiciously.

"Who was helping me?"

"Er...Rose!" I guesses, saying the first name that popped into my head and hoping to get lucky.

Nothing.

"Doctor? Was it Rose?"

The Doctor stares straight ahead. He's biting his lip in a very un-Doctor like way. It's quite scary, to tell the truth. More scary than that time we were locked up by the Ferdist.

"I'm sorry...I just didn't think," I stutter out, realising I've seriously upset him. Donna, you idiot! Of course it wasn't Rose, he never talks about Rose, you always bring her up. Then he wears that devastated expression and you feel awful, remember?

"It's O.K. I just...really miss her. Can I take a break?" he asks, giving me the world's fakest smile.

_Rule 8.5: Do not mention Rose. Got it? Good_.

"Yeah, I'll just look through the rest of this lot. Take your time."

"This lot" is the pile of junk in the middle of the room we are supposed to be sorting out. Amongst it was the bicycle wheel. I chuck it in the "useless" pile.

The reason we're having a clearout is because I'm sick of tripping over random objects. Some of which are dangerous. I tripped over a gun thing and blew a square hole in the wall. The Doctor and the TARDIS were not impressed. So I said it was his fault for leaving junk everywhere and here we are.

Why? Why would the Doctor have a copy of _Heat_ magazine from July 2003?

Other random objects include a leaflet about Zorgons (keep), a box of Quality Street (use by: 1999, chuck), a _Friends_ box set (steal) and a wind up gorilla toy from a McDonalds Happy Meal. Hmm.

The Doctor comes back looking a bit more cheerful.

"Where's my _Friends _box set?" he wants to know. "I bought it from a market on Nepton and it's apparently worth 3000 credits."

"Just thought I'd "borrow" it," I grin cheekily.

"Why don't Ross and Rachel just get back together and get on with it? Humans!" he growls, but there's a twinkle in his eye.

We go back to sorting through the rest of the junk. I learn the gorilla is called Neville and is from the Doctor's first ever Happy Meal. He tells me McDonalds was being attacked by a gang of vicious aliens and Neville distracted them so he could march over to their space craft and disable all weapons.

The Quality Street were an antique he bought from David Droidinson on board the BBC command ship.

He sheepishly admits to buying the copy of _Heat_ to read. He insists he got it mixed up with a magazine on cars and protests he reads nothing from our shallow, celebrity obsessed culture. Also, he couldn't stand _The X Factor_. I whacked him round the head with the magazine.

Every single piece of tat held a memory for him. Ironically, by the end of our clearout we had cleared nothing out, except the _Heat_ magazine.

The _Heat_ magazine was thrown out of the TARDIS into deep space. And that was one way to waste a day on board the TARDIS. I fell asleep and dreamt Neville was chasing me.

I woke up to a hammering on the TARDIS door. I dashed to the control room and joined the Doctor as he opened the door. Outside stood a green blob with tentacles and fourteen eyes (I counted) in random places. He was waving our copy of _Heat_ magazine in his stringy hands.

"How _dare_ you just drop this into space!"

In his other hand he was waving what looks like a space age litter picker.

"Do you know how long I spend clearing up after you people! You should show a little respect and use these things called "bins" and "incinerators!" Did you know three tonnes of rubbish are dropped in space every year...and what kind of ship is this...anyway you should show a little respect for other spacefolk and..."

The Doctor agreed it was awful and ended up taking back the _Heat _and apologising. I was too stunned to say anything apart from "You're an _environmentally friendly_ alien?!"

"I just discovered one of the secrets of the universe!" the Doctor announced smugly.

"What?"

"How to shut up Donna Noble!"

"OI! YOU! GET BACK HERE! DON'T YOU DARE RUN AWAY FROM ME!"


	10. Rule 9

**A\N Only one more rule to go after this one! Please review! If you have been enjoying reading the other rules, which is your fave and why? This one is crazy as usual but I am quite pleased with how it turned out. Oh, and the places Tenby and Caldey Island are real. I actually went on holiday to Tenby so that is what inspired this fic! Enjoy, I hope!**

**Disclaimer: Own nothing. Not the Doctor, Donna or Wales. They belong to someone else. Apart from Wales, I don't think that belongs to anyone. **

_Rule 9: Use your brain! Don't just stand there, do something to help the situation! _

Do you know what really, really annoys me? People who can see something's happening that shouldn't be and just stand there.

O.K. I haven't suddenly lost it. This is what I mean. Say there was a switch. And I needed to flick it. But someone else was closer and I wasn't sure exactly how to do it. I should really just do it anyway. Because chances are that person won't realise they need to flick it and so when they do it would be too late and KABOOM!

This has never happened to me in real life. Except that one time...and believe me I've learnt from that mistake.

Do you want to know what happened? Of course you do, who wouldn't right? And if you don't, tough, I'm going to tell you anyway.

Today we went to the beach. Finally! For days I've been asking him. "I'd really like to go somewhere with sun, sea and sand!" "Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside!" "Can we go to the beach? Can we go to the beach? Please can we go to the beach?"

You get the picture. Anyway, today the Doctor told me I could stop my nagging.

"Nagging? I do not nag! My mother nags, I just...I don't nag, alright!"

"Well, whatever you want to call it...moaning...whinging...nagging..." he says playfully. I slap him on his skinny little back, surprised he doesn't snap in half.

When we finally get outside...wow! The Doctor gives me his trademark happy Doctor face.

"Do I get a hug?"

I look around. The sun is warm. The sea sparkles blue. My shoes are sinking into soft, golden sand.

"Yes!" I say, hugging him. Then "Where are we, California?"

"Um...no...Wales."

"WHAT!"

The Doctor looks sheepish. "I went a bit off course."

"We're in Wales?"

"What's wrong with Wales? There are sheep in Wales! And Welsh speaking people! And Cardiff! And sheep!"

"You've already said sheep."

"I know. I'm thinking. But come on, this is pretty nice for Wales! This must be Tenby- over there is Caldey island..."

He points to a green mass of land with a visible beach. And the beach we're actually standing on is _huge_! There are pretty little houses on the cliffs. I have this maddening urge to slip off my shoes and socks and dash into the sea.

"I think I could get to like Wales!"

"I like Wales. Donna, if we're at the seaside that means we have to paddle."

Before I can say another word(so that's pretty quickly), he's rushing down to the water, Converses dangling from his hands. I charge after him, pausing to wonder if anyone's going to notice the little blue box that's just appeared slap bang in the middle of the beach. Apparently not.

As I catch up with the Doctor, I can see he's trying to roll up his trousers. Not that it would do any good, as they're already soaked halfway up to his knees. I crack up laughing.

"You...you...hahhahah!"

The Doctor ignores me, he's looking at something. Probably the Loch Ness Monster. Or his Welsh cousin. I follow his gaze. All I can see is Caldey Island, which does look gorgeous...but...the Doctor's expression. I should've known we wouldn't get a trouble free day on the beach.

"What?" I ask him. "What?"

"Hey, Donna?" he grins. "How about a boat ride to Caldey Island? The monks there make the _best_ chocolate!"

Half an hour later we are in a boat for tourists. The sea is rough and the boat jogs up and down like a fairground ride. Water occasionally sprays on my face. The Doctor has his happy face back on, but it seems a little stiff. He's worried. We can't really talk here because we're surrounded by laughing tourists.

"We're not just going to Caldey Island to see the chocolate making monks, are we?" I mutter.

"Well, no. There's a lighthouse too! Did you know that..." blah, blah, blah.

I am not interested in the history of the lighthouse. I am interested in why we are suddenly riding out to Caldey Island.

The island has a tiny centre with only a few houses and a couple of gift shops and is mostly lush greenery surrounded by blue sea. There are no cars so no roads. The Doctor buys me some chocolate to "shut me up". Apparently, he's thinking. Maybe he's feeling guilty about robbing banks through cash points with the sonic screwdriver to pay for chocolate. It is gorgeous chocolate, though. Yum.

"Donna, I think the seagulls are in fact shape shifting aliens in disguise! The TARDIS picked up all these weird spaceshippy readings when we landed in Tenby and they led me here. And that seagull is looking at me in a really evil way!"

I look at the offending seagull. It is eying my chocolate, not the Doctor. The Doctor is right in that it looks evil, but then all seagulls look evil.

"Let me get this straight. You think a spaceship is being kept here on Caldey Island and the seagulls are all aliens because this one is giving you the evils?"

"Well, not just this one. All of them are."

"Doctor, that's seagulls. On Earth that's what seagulls do. They stare at anyone with food and because they have little beady eyes they look evil."

"I know, I know! But look at how unusually fat these ones are! I'm sure it's because they're only pretending to be seagulls..."

I finish my chocolate and the seagull squawks and flies away.

"See, see! He's gone to tell all his mates that someone's worked out who they really are!"

"Doctor, forget the bloody seagulls. Let's go and find the spaceship and the band of ugly aliens that will prove the seagulls are just being seagulls, O.K?"

Easier said than done. The finding the spaceship quest means veering off the paths and heading into the surrounding forest. The Doctor tells me the island is so tiny it's impossible to get lost. He then begins the standard twiddling with the sonic screwdriver, which has actually stopped annoying me. It's the only thing I can hear apart from far off people sounds and possibly-evil-alien-seagulls. I don't notice the Doctor has stopped. I keep walking, thinking about whether we'll have fish and chips for tea and buying more chocolate.

BANG! How? How can you walk into something that isn't there? Am I going mad? The Doctor laughs behind me.

"Did I tell you the spaceship was invisible? Couldn't have hidden it on a little island like this otherwise! Thanks Donna, I now know exactly where it is without un-invisibling it! Making un-invisibling it much faster!"

"That a technical term, "un-invisibling". Or did you just make it up?" I ask crossly.

"I could have said reversing the chamille circuit and firing it up to the power of ten, but "un-invisibling" sounds cooler."

"Un-invisibling" takes a good ten minutes. I flop down on the floor and watch as bit by bit the spaceship becomes visible. First I see the wing closest to me, chunky and metallic. Next I see the body, rounded and scarlet. Finally the nose and tail come into view. It looks like a mini space age aeroplane. There is a seagull perched on top of the body.

"Damn," it says.

"Hello! I'm the Doctor and this is Donna! Why is your invisible spaceship parked on Caldey Island?"

Oh. My. God. Oh my God. _Oh my God_. OH MY GOD!

THE SEAGULL IS TALKING!

"BECAUSE WE WANT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! No, um, course not. Ignore me. I'm just excited to be here on this planet they call Earth. DIE HUMANS, DIE! Ha ha. Just kidding. I love them really the stupid, cuddly things!"

I blink. I have just met a seagull with a multiple personality disorder.

"How many of you are there?"

"Quite a few. The captain, that wonderful, amazing STUPID IDIOT ended up accidentally landing here. IT'S ALL HIS FAULT!"

Imagine all of this coming out of a seagull's beak. You can see why I was finding it unusually hard to speak.

"I've actually developed quite a taste for the Earth chip. Lovely. BUT THE STUPID HUMANS TRY AND KEEP THEM ALL FOR THEIR SELVES!"

"Why don't you morph into something human looking and buy your own chips," I snap. I do not like it when my..._my species_...is insulted.

"Oh, no. Our emergency defence mechanism works by turning into the first native creature we see. We won't return to our true form until WE GET OFF THIS STINKING PLANET!"

"Right. Better help you, then," the Doctor says, waving the sonic screwdriver. "We'll fix your spaceship and then you can be off. Go get your people!"

There is a sudden scream in the distance. Followed by lots of screams. The Doctor has already boarded the spaceship to begin work. The actual-evil-alien seagull has flown off. I do not trust him.

"Doctor!" I yell.

"Not now, Donna! I'm busy!"

"Fine, then," I mutter and march off by myself to find the source of the screaming.

It is the centre of the island. It is mayhem. The seagulls are on top dive bombing form. I have no doubt these are the actual- evil- alien- seagulls. They are snatching food and tugging people's hair. One of them makes off with a little old lady's hat. Dear God!

"OI!" I yell. "Stop it, or your spaceship explodes! My friend is in there right now! It's the invisible one!"

There is a stunned silence. People stare at the crazy woman blabbering on about spaceships. The seagull aliens have frozen. But it only lasts a second.

"Protect the mothership!" one yells, and they all swoop off in a flurry of wings.

I hurry back to where I left the Doctor. Which was...in this direction. Somewhere. A seagull swoops down next to me.

"Hello. Donna, it's me! YOU GINGER FREAK!"

"How dare you, birdface!" I yell.

"Right. Yes. Anyway, I forgot to tell you that staying in a form that isn't our own for too long drives us a bit MENTAL! LOONY! INSANE! LIFE SUCKS!"

"O.K then. So how would we stop that?"

"Well, you can't. AND I SET THE MOTHERSHIP ON SELF DESTRUCT MUAHAHAHAH!"

"What do you mean you set it on self destruct? My friend is in there!"

"That's what I'm trying to tell you! There's a button next to the door on the spaceship that cancels the self destruct. PRESS IT AND I KILL YOU, YOU PATHETIC APE!"

"Great. Well, isn't that wizard! I press the button or KABOOM!"

I am talking to myself. The nameless but insane seagull has launched itself off. Damn their power of flight.

When I get back to the spaceship, the Doctor is standing by the door, having a chat with the many seagulls. As you do. He's saying something about trying to help. Next to him on the doorframe is a big red button.

"DONNA!" he yells when he spots me. "Where've you been? I've just been having a good chat with these, um, seagulls!"

"DOCTOR, PRESS THE BUTTON! THE RED BUTTON RIGHT THERE! OR THE SHIP EXPLODES!"

"What? Can you say that again?" he asks, moving so he's right in front of me.

The evil alien seagulls cackle.

"THE BUTTON! PRESS THE BUTTON!"

I should've pressed it myself in the first place.

KABOOOOOM! KABOOOOM!

Right before our eyes, the spaceship blows up into the sky. The Doctor has the sense to yank us behind a screen of trees so we're not hit by flying bits of spaceship. The seagulls aren't so lucky. They're lost in the inferno- I pull the Doctor away before the smoke clears. I don't want to see.

"The ultimate defence," the Doctor mutters. "The inhabitants of the ship go mad so the ship blows itself and them up so the planets they crash on aren't in danger. There was no chance of their kind rescuing them."

I don't tell him about the seagull setting the ship for self destruct. Maybe he did it for the greater good. I sigh sadly.

"Buy me some chips, spaceman."


	11. Rule 10

**A\N This one took me a while because I wanted to make it a good one. I did a load of research on the gold rush. Thanks you to my lovely reviewers spesh Paula545 and WeepingAngel123 who have reviewed most of the rules! Hope you enjoy**!

**Disclaimer: Don't own it, k? So don't go thinking I do, cos I DON'T! *wail***

_Rule 10: You should always be prepared for trouble. Beca__use trouble is what you'll find, no matter where you are! _

I have always wanted to go to California. Right since I saw in it on T.V when I was little. All sunny and gorgeous, not like England.

"Doctor..."

"What?"

"Pleeeease can we go to California...please, please, pretty please?"

"California? Donna Noble, we've got the whole wide universe, the whole of space and time and you want to go to California? We could go and see the meteor showers on Vlex! Visit the Kles Nebula! Still want to go to California?"

"Yes! Please! Just for a little while. Go on, you know you want to go too, Doctor!"

"Well...go on then. Alright, but don't blame me if it turns out it's the day the Vlexans have decided to tour Earth the day we get there! Stuff like that always happens to me!"

"Yeah, I think we've established that by now. Yesss! I've always wanted to go to California!"

In my head, I beg the TARDIS to go to California. Sometimes I don't know why I ask the Doctor when really I should be asking the TARDIS. I tell her she can shake us as much as she likes, just please, please land in California!

The TARDIS seemed to take me up on my kind offer and proceeded to throw us around the room. The Doctor was so surprised he fell right over and banged his head on the console. Cue 10 minutes of alien cussing directed at the TARDIS, who made a weird laughing noise through the walls.

I eventually step out of the TARDIS into...a street lined with tents. There's people everywhere of all races and nationalities- Spanish, English, Chinese , French... The living conditions look very makeshift and I can tell this certainly isn't the modern day, and I'm not even sure it's California. Where's the beach? Or the sea, at the very least.

The Doctor steps out from behind me. "Ooh, this must be San Francisco, 1849. Which puts us right in the middle of the California gold rush."

When I thought about going to California, I didn't imagine it quite like this. When someone says _San Francisco_, you think of tall buildings, a massive harbour, _Charmed_ (maybe that's just me) and definitely, definitely the Golden Gate Bridge.

Which hasn't even been built yet.

"San Francisco was a boom town. The population sharply increased when people heard about the gold. They came to make a living here. One clever guy actually bought up all the gold hunting tools and sold them for a massive profit. Everyone was desperate to strike gold."

The Doctor gives me a spontaneous history lesson as we roam the streets of San Francisco.

"This isn't when that earthquake happens, is it? The big one that brought down half the city? I swear, if we're caught in the middle of an earthquake space man..."

"No, Donna. That's not due for another 50 years or so yet. So we can relax..."

"Doctor? Do you think maybe we could have a go?" I ask, smiling.

"Have a go? Have a go at what?" he looks at me questioningly.

"Looking for gold! Duh! Gold rush, California, 1849!"

The Doctor's brown eyes light up. We are _so_ hunting for gold!

2 hours later, and all we've found is mud. Turns out that finding gold is more difficult than it sounds. You have to put lots of mud and water from the river into a pan. The rubbish floats to the top and is drained off so you are left with heavy rocks that may or may not contain gold. Mostly not, actually.

There are several other groups of people doing the same thing as us. There are men, women and children. Each person wears a hopeful look on their faces. They are all desperate to find treasure-gold is worth a lot. It could change their lives.

The Doctor has been caught by the gold fever- he sifts through the dirty water excitedly, jabbering in his Doctor way about some guy who made his fortune mining for gold.

"God, I'm bored of this," I mumbled. The Doctor either didn't hear or ignored me and carried on.

His ramblings are thoughtlessly interrupted by someone screaming

"Gold! Gold!"

There's a rush of people heading in the direction of the cries. If someone's found gold, they'll be wanting to get in on the action. I thought this gold hunting might be fun, like an Easter egg hunt, but it's hard and often fruitless. 99% of the time you are hunting for something that does not exist in where you are hunting, making it boring and frustrating.

My thoughts are thoughtlessly interrupted by someone screaming. Followed by an alarmed cry of:

"Poisoned gold! Poisoned gold!"

The Doctor splutters. "How can you have poisoned gold?" he half asks himself and half asks me. I just look at him. We both grin and then dash off to find out.

There's a huddle of frightened people. Some are running away, but some look like they're trying to work out what's happening.

"I'm a doctor!" yells the Doctor, dragging me into the mass of people. "What happened?"

"Dunno. The gold just...he was touching it and..." a young man speaks.

I shove the Doctor who is standing in front of me and blocking my view. He grunts irritably. I can see...what used to be a man. Now he is...now he is gold plated. The gold covers him head to toe, his skin, his clothes, everything.

"Impossible," breathes the Doctor.

"_Everything_ is possible with you," I remind him, but I'm still shocked by what I see.

The Doctor starts taking charge.

"O.K, everyone," he raises his voice. "Listen up! Nobody touch anywhere there might be gold! It could be dangerous! Everybody just go home and don't come back here!"

People grumble and groan. They don't want to give up, they want to continue hunting for gold.

"Hoax!" someone yells. "They just want all the gold for themselves!"

The crowd seem to agree and get back to their gold hunting. But not before we've had some rocks and mud thrown at us for our troubles.

"Humans! You lot can be ungrateful creatures sometimes!" growls the Doctor.

I look at the gold plated gold hunter. The Doctor crouches beside him and knocks on the gold. His fingers make a dull thudding sound.

"Solid," he says sadly. "I'm sorry Donna, but he'll have suffocated by now."

I hate this feeling of hopelessness when there's nothing we can do.

"Ah..." the Doctor says suddenly alert and whips out his stethoscope and presses it to the gold man.

"You said he was dead!" I pointed out.

"Yeah he is...but there's this signal..." he explains.

Of course. There's always a strange signal coming from somewhere, so we follow it and then we find that the owners of the signal are very, VERY bad blow- things- up types. And then we end up having to stop them blowing things up. It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it.

The signal is apparently coming back from San Francisco. The bay, to be exact. So we tramp all the way back to the bay. The Doctor is muttering something about "living gold brought to life by a signal".

"I've seen something like this before," he frowns. "Only...well...before it was living _plastic_. Rose had to save me," he finishes sadly.

"Yeah, you're practically useless on your own," I tell him, but I'm teasing and I mean it fondly.

"It's just so embarrassing to be saved by a mere human," he says, outraged, but he's just teasing me back.

The bay is cluttered with too many ships. Most look wrecked, but some people have started using them as shops or hotels.

"Gold hunters took ships across the sea to here and then the ships' crew abandoned ship to try their luck as well. That's why there's all these abandoned ships," says the Doctor.

"They only _look_ abandoned," I say slowly.

The Doctor nods.

"Yeah, there's plenty of room for a murderous gold controlling alien. They're definitely hiding here. They don't know we've traced the signal- all we have to do is keep following it..."

This is easier than it sounds. We actually have to leap about amongst the ships being careful not to plunge into the water. The ships are clustered close together so it's possible. Just.

We're also getting a whole lot of funny looks from the locals. I'm not really dressed in the current women's fashions and our boat jumping antics mean we look dead suspect.

The Doctor waves cheerfully, producing the psychic paper.

"Health and safety!" he yells, flashing the white paper.

"Did they have health and safety?" I whisper.

"Probably not. Never mind. I'd love to tell them we were saving their lives, but I don't fancy _another_ trip to the insane asylum."

We continue to jump and climb from boat to boat. Eventually, the Doctor stops.

"Found it!" he says. Pause. "What do you think we do now?" he asks dumbly.

I roll my eyes impatiently and march into the cabin.

"OI! Anyone making gold come alive and kill people, get out now! You're caught by...um...by..."

"The Shadow Proclamation!" the Doctor yells triumphantly.

I have no idea what the Shadow Proclamation is and I don't have time to find out. Something on the lower deck _roars_. I gulp. I don't want to get eaten today, thanks very much.

"Come on," says the Doctor, flicking on the sonic screwdriver to use as a torch. The blue light is very small but better than nothing as we climb down to the lower deck. It gets dark and shadowy, the only light coming from tiny slits in the wooden planks.

In the bottom of the ship is a jelly person. A hideous lump of quivering, shiny goo greets us with a black toothed smile. Sharp black teeth.

"Hello," says the Doctor pleasantly, as if he was meeting an ordinary human being. "Who are you then?"

The...the _thing_ doesn't answer but waves what looks like a racing car remote control at us.

"Maybe he just wants to play being Lewis Hamilton," I whisper to the Doctor.

"What? No," he whispers back. "That's the controller for the gold, isn't it?" he asks, raising his voice.

The thing just smiles back at us. It presses a button and suddenly a map hologram appears.

"The west coast of America," says the Doctor. "Why are you showing me this?"

A red line appears on the map.

"The San Andreas fault," the Doctor breathes. "What are you doing?"

The red line appears to crack open, splitting up some of the land.

"If he wants to cause maximum destruction why doesn't he rip more land off?" I ask, addressing the Doctor.

"No, Donna, he wants to split open the San Andreas Fault. That's what caused the earthquake that destroyed San Francisco, remember? Anyway, if he does that..."

"Earthquakes..." I mutter, working it out. "People lose their homes, everything falls apart..."

"That's not all, is it?" the Doctor asks the hideous thing. "You made this gold to lure people closer to the earthquake!"

"To kill them," I realise. "That's...that's disgusting!"

The mass laughs, awful brown slime shaking.

"You're a soldier," the Doctor spits. "Sent to conquer the planet alone, weren't you?"

It stays mute, but gives off a stink of evil that's hard to put into words.

"You get one chance. Leave. Are you going to take it?"

The thing does its weird silent laughing.

"Right," the Doctor says, eyes flashing with fury. "Right. By the looks of you you're made up of a mess of different substances, but they all have one thing in common. They dissolve in water. And look where we are. A ship. Lovely. San Francisco bay."

The thing doesn't react. I get the feeling it hasn't got a clue what the Doctor's on about and doesn't feel threatened at all. This, of course, is a sign of stupidity.

The Doctor drags me off, sealing the un-named alien into the lower deck of the ship.

"What are we going to do?" I ask him.

"Sink the ship," he says, looking at me like I'm unbelievably stupid.

"_We're_ on the ship," I point out. "I don't really fancy a swim, Doctor."

"No. Neither do I, actually. Bit chilly. But what we're going to do is be bin men."

The Doctor's finally lost it. Great. Now I have to work out how we're going to stop more gold coming to life, and after that somehow drive myself home. Oh God, I'm going to have to earn us money by mining for gold because there's no way I'll drive the TARDIS.

Then the Doctor explains. And all becomes clear.

Later that evening, we watch as the ship sinks beneath the weight of a ton of rubbish. Collected from virtually everywhere by me and the Doctor. It was not the greatest job I've ever done, but we got paid , and I have some genuine Californian coins I can spend on a meal tonight, keep as mementos, or auction back home for a fortune. Could be difficult to explain how I got them, though. "Just popped back in time with my alien friend." Yeah, maybe not.

That's the thing about travelling the TARDIS. You will end up solving things in the most unpredictable ways. You really couldn't make it up. I've gone through ten different rules and ten different stories, but they're only a fraction of what really happens.

I hope you enjoy travelling in the TARDIS and I have been helpful, or a good laugh at the very least.

Take care,

Donna


End file.
